Chaos in our brains. The clatter of unruly thoughts (what my boyfriend calls “paisley thoughts”), uninvited, skittering across our minds.  One moment we are oblivious, minds happily wandering, and the next, with broom in hand, we find ourselves chasing that monkey in our minds.  Clever is he - razor sharp, lightning quick - poking where it bothers us most.  Who  better knows our weaknesses?

My brother Max brought this up recently.  Thinking about what Max said, I realized the state of Monkey Mind is familiar to me, a mental habit.  Accepting it as normal, I stopped taking note of it.  But now, as life moves on and I find more value in it, I’m ready for another shift.

This is one of the things I’ve been up to: The start of my Kanzashi (fabric origami) dragonfly for Marti’s wedding.  Here you see the fabric tube I will fashion the body from and the dragonfly wings.

There are moments lately when I want to abandon all restraint, yell, “Yee haw!,” and take off.  Not that my life isn’t pretty cool these days, but I figure there’s always room for more.  Max also mentioned that, as he’s gotten older, he’s also become happier with himself.  Me too.  And that’s another reason to avoid whatever doesn’t feel good.

It’s so simple that it’s ridiculous.  Simple in concept and, for me, challenging in action.

Second Phase: I used gold thread to shape the dragonfly body and am ready to glue on the wings and decorative crystals.

As I write, I see that Monkey Mind has proved helpful.  It has alerted me to what’s important, to what really matters.  It has prodded me to act.  Maybe Monkey Mind is akin to the Pueblo Indian myth of Coyote, the Trickster that sparks significant changes, most often in unexpected, disconcerting, or uncomfortable ways.

I adopted a term from Julia Cameron’s book “The Artist’s Way” to describe this voice in my head.  She calls it the Inner Critic and suggests that it is as much friend as not.  That makes sense to me.  When my life proceeds smoothly, I have a tendency to slip into cruise control.  Nothing really wrong with that, yet wouldn’t it be boring if that were always the case?  Talk about Groundhog’s Day ennui.

My friend Rod putting up my new gallery style picture hanging system.  I love how my home feels more and more like a studio/ gallery.  So cool!

A constant dose of chaos isn’t what I’m after, either.  Like the story of Goldilocks and The Three Bears, I want my discomfort not too hot, not too cold, but just right.  C’mon, who doesn’t love having change come in easy and fun ways?  It’s just that, for me, when I have my eye on something really big, the reason the change I want does not come quickly is most often because it’s time for some mental housekeeping.

One living room wall:  I had fun switching pictures around to find a pleasing presentation.  I have more frames and paintings ready to be assembled and I look forward to seeing them up as well.  

Hey!  This is the blue wall I had an adjustment meltdown about.  Isn’t it gorgeous?  You can see more of my works in progress lined up on the new shelving unit my friend Priscilla gifted me (thanks again so much - I love it!)  Take note of the tall bamboo one - I am playing with a new method on that one which I will be showcaseing soon.  Also note the two tiny white mat board ones on the left of the line up.  That’s a new venture, too.

The next post will be the one I really wanted to write.  I thought I would dash this off so I could get to the fun one.  This post was to serve as the preamble.  Again, I am reminded of the perfect timing in my life, in all our lives, regardless of what or how we think things should unfold.  Acknowledging the thoughts I’m writing now is what I need - - spring cleaning, if you will, prioritizing, clearing mental and emotional space for more of what I want to come to me.

Shit happens.  It is what it is.  We can’t escape it, but we can choose how we respond.  I make headway when I go within - meditation or prayer, solitude, and the freedom to let my thoughts roam.  “Truth will out,” as the Bard said, and thus comes insight (if I am willing).  When I allow it, I find that Inner Critic, my Monkey Mind, has no lasting effect.  I can accept without resistance.  Sometimes the pivotal breakthrough comes as an epiphany.  Most often, though, it’s like a snake shedding the skin that has become too small.

I like that.  Of course, in those moments of complete chaos, there’s always the option of telling the monkey to just shut up, right?

To regain balance, I often ask myself in meditation: “How would it feel if all I wanted were already done?”  Immediately, I feel my body expand and my mind relax.  I smile.  I feel calm and energetic at the same time.  It’s like a booster shot.  I’ve moved nearer to what I know I want.

Finished Product: I glued a small barrette to the back so I could wear it in my hair.  This was a satisfying and challenging project.  I appreciated the learning curve and now have yet another artistic means to fulfill my creative spirit.

Also, perhaps, closer to where I don’t even know I want go…the idea of which jazzes me to no end.  Just like my thinking this post isn’t important, only to find that it is.  That realization excites me, too.  So, how good can we allow ourselves to feel?  How content (appreciative, happy…) in this moment?  Why not adopt that as the pivot-point invitation?  Then, all we need do is step out of our own way and let God, the Universe, or whatever power we value, lead on.

So glad to be doing this with you!

Judy

“There are no wrong turnings.  Only paths we had not known we were meant to walk.” From the novel “Tigana” by Guy Gavriel Kay.

Again, I am pulled in a new direction.  My path has always been a loopy one with the zigs and zags not always making sense.  When I am centered, I appreciate this, acknowledging how right it is for me.  Like the “I Did It My Way” lyrics:  Whether I’m right or whether I’m wrong, I’ll do it my way.  I’m better at trusting what my way is, caring less about explaining it.  Still, I can be confused or disoriented, my Inner Critic wanting me to stay in line, to settle down, to blend.  When facing a choice, I can feel conflicted, but just until I remember, “Oh, yeah…I asked for this!”

I talk to myself a lot: “You wanted more from your life, Judy, so here it is.  This discomfort is the means.  You’re ok here.  Nothing is wrong, old stuff is simply shifting to make room for the new.  You’ll figure it out as you move forward, you always do.”  This can help if I let it.  So can getting outdoors, having fun with friends, and basically doing anything to distract myself in my worst not-trusting moments.  Bottom line, whether I worry about it or not, things always work out pretty well for me.  I believe this is true for everyone.

These two hair ornaments are for my sister Jean (top) and my sis-in-law Connie.  Niece Marti wanted us to make flowers for our hair to wear to her weddings using a piece of fabric from her gown and I made these with the Kanzashi method (kinda like origami with fabric).

I think we invite change every time we come to a conclusion about our lives.  I’m a big fan of change; it almost always brings better rewards than I could ever think to ask for.  My latest?  How would my life be if I embraced my full potential?  I want to be open to all of the opportunities around me.  I’ve determined I must create a vacuum for them and, to do that, I must drop all the “givens” - the ways I’ve defined myself, the labels that provide a sense of self-worth and a means of explanation.  Saying "This is who I am” protects me from close scrutiny.

What’s underneath that long-used safety shield?  A softy, an easy target, and a too-willing chameleon for those who cannot relate to my head-in-the-clouds-flit-from-this-to-that-Pollyanna-just-wanna-have-fun self.  In the midst of this, I still say, “Bring it on.”   

My sister Jean came for a short visit recently and, knowing how ready I was to make any kind of forward movement, suggested we repaint my living room accent wall.  I chose a lovely Periwinkle blue.  I.  Love. This.  Color.  It calms and inspires me.  It makes me want to immerse myself in something - anything! - creative.  It is in my creative/ studio area and I smile every time I walk in the door.     

This is the how’s-it-all-gonna-work-out? phase - the creative start phase where the game is to gather a lot of things to see what works.  I have a number of other photos of stuff that didn’t and will show those in another post along with the hair ornament I made for myself.  Here you see the first flower petals and the pattern for a little decorative “hat” called a fascinator.  There are hundreds of styles and it was a total blast making up my own as I went along.  Marti’s totem is a hummingbird and I thought I could use the charm somehow.

The old color?  The one I’d lived with for 15 years?  Orange.  On a basic color wheel, orange and blue are exact opposites.  Uh-huh.  You get where this is going.

Translated into action, this means that, in about 4 hours, my sister and I ripped through my comfort zone.  It was as if we couldn’t cover up the “old me” color fast enough.  We congratulated each other.  She left.  And two days later, I had a total meltdown.  Fascinated, I wondered:  “Who is this person, falling apart because she painted her wall a different color?”   “Man Up!” I said to myself.  Repeatedly.

Finally, these thoughts surfaced:  “Oh, yeah.  I’m good.  I’m still in control.  I was the one who wanted this. I wanted a new identity and this is all part of that process.  Okay.  What would make me feel better right now?”

In this stage, I have glued and sewn the satin cloth and binding to the fascinator base and have glued on the petals.  I tried a number of petal placements before deciding on this one.  The hummingbird charm stands ready.

“Help!”, I sobbed to Jean over the phone.  She reassured me this happens to everyone she helps in her re-design business.  She suggested replacing my red accents with blue ones.  She reminded me to reinforce my new color identity by painting my bedroom that dark yummy blue we both liked and by finding blue-toned bath towels.  (In order for you to get the full picture, you need to know that my space is small and that each room can be seen from the entry so visual harmony matters.)

Her understanding and advice helped.  Time with the “new me” wall color has helped.  Learning to be comfortable in the shifting of who I think I am has helped.  Meanwhile, by releasing my self-imposed demands associated with the label of ‘’Artist,” I’ve allowed other very fun creative endeavors to take front stage.  The photos you see are part of this work in progress.

So, here are the end results for Marti’s fascinator and her flower hair ornament for her Virginia wedding.  No hummingbird charm for the fascinator as this thing in person really says a lot!  Did I mention she’s putting this show on the road?  Smaller one is for Virginia and maybe Napa with the bling baby for Vegas.  Uh huh.  You’ll get to see the other design ideas in my next post.  Crazy fun to be sure.

Change brings change brings change.  In my saner moments, I welcome the unknown.  When I need to lighten up, I think of my favorite “Shakespeare In Love” movie quote: “But how will it all turn out?” Shakespeare asks.  The reply:  “I don’t know…it’s a mystery!”

Stay tuned…

Judy

P.S.  I’ll be out of the studio for the month of May.  Hey!  Check out my new paintings on the Website!

Recent adventures have brought rewards: insight, release, revision, and restart. I am rethinking who I want to be and how best to get there.  Which raises the question:  what or where exactly is “there”?  For sake of conversation, let’s assume that “there” is the place where we will feel better or be happier than where we are right now.  Big leap, side step, a hop and a skip…however near or far it feels, some of us spend a lot of our time with this search.

Bhudda: Ink drawing on rice paper and first wash.  The gray looking areas are of melted wax applied to resist color.  I will paint wax over any area I want to preserve before moving on to a new color.

As humans, we are busy doing human things, bumping up against people and events along the way.  We process our encounters unconsciously and bend and swerve reflexively around them.  For those seeking clarity, these encounters can offer greater insight or answers.  For example,  an increased understanding or compassion for others or for ourselves, a welcome change in direction, or a resolution to a question or a concern we’ve been fretting over.  If we are willing, we have constant opportunities to evolve - to relax, to choose happy, to allow, to let go, and to trust.

My favorite definition for today’s title reads:  “What you got when you didn’t get what you really wanted.”  That definition encapsulates my life at this point:  Not exactly what I had been hoping to receive but exactly what I had been asking for (from a deeper level).

I have wrinkled the paper and applied my “batik” color wash which is then covered with one final coat of melted wax.  (I had intended to show you more layered color passes but got so lost in the fun of the project that I forgot!) 

These moments remind me to pay attention.   I’ve discovered for myself that what I’ve been truly wanting often comes in disguised and maybe mildly unpleasant ways.  I’ve come to trust these camouflaged moments and my opening sentence encapsulates this.

Question:  Does it make sense to continue chasing “there” when where we are right this minute holds so much promise?  Do you find yourself spending a lot of energy in getting “there” instead of having more fun along the way?  Why is “there” more important than living fully now?  (Why do I feel the need to continue putting quotation marks around the word “there?”  Is that as annoying as the person who does it repeatedly using those little finger movements?)

Buddha:  I ironed off the batik layer of wax to reveal this end result.  I never know what I’ll end up with.  But, guaranteed, it will be a good experience - ha!

Basically, we are all works in progress.  I feel best doing these two things: 1) asking myself what it is I really want and 2)  taking steps in that direction.  Both can be challenging, especially when those steps follow a meandering path and my mind starts fretting about how others do things and what will they think of how I am.

It’s rewarding to release something (like a not so healthy habit or a closed-off mindset) that no longer works for me.  The resulting surge of energy is thrilling and the improved viewpoint, inspiring.  Of note is understanding that, in order to receive this energy, I sometimes must move through some not so fun stuff.  More often than not, I now am able to appreciate and even enjoy this, as I know how good I will soon feel because of it.

I love this piece, too…a stone temple in a bamboo garden.  (Hey, Monica - recognize this?!  Thanks, again!)

I will leave you with this:  “You cannot apply linear methods to a circular endeavor.  Creativity for some people may not be straight-lined, but it is methodical.”  Julia Cameron, author of “The Artist’s Way”.  For me this means to stop judging or analyzing and continue following my inner guidance.

How about you?

Judy