Aaccckkkk!  I’m outta control…and I’m feeling (oddly) ok.  I love every bit of it - sleep-interrupted nights, dream messages, nervous stomach, butterflies when I think about my future artist self.  I am consumed with the need to create.  I am eager to jump into the unknown, to explore its promise.  I feel recharged and ready, even though I am not clear about what, exactly.  Never mind!  Hand me those paints!

The workshop was my jumping point.  It was a stretch.  It was scary-exciting.  I heard my Inner Critic immediately:  “You don’t know how to do this.  You’ve never done anything like this before.  What if you suck?  What if you spend all that money just to be disappointed?” 

Artist-teacher extraordinaire Sandra Duran Wilson and me at the workshop

I did it anyway.  I showed up the first day knowing nothing and glad of it.  Freed from self-expectation, I was willing to do anything and then follow that lead.  I asked for help (a lot) from my workshop mates and from Sandra, the teacher.  I was in so-much-new-stuff-coming-at-me-all-at-once overload that I was buzzing inside.  In a constant state of excitement, I could feel my body vibrate.  During the week, I never could make sense of it, I never could catch up.  I just kept going.

Infinity: Going Neural has been accepted into the Hawaii Watercolor Society Spring Show.

This workshop happened at the perfect time for me.  A roller-coaster ride of uncertainty tempered with trust, it was just what I needed.  Happily, it was what I wanted, as well.  I think this is true for everyone. These flip-flop moments can be invitations to new adventures, improved selves.  Our attitudes determine the outcome, of course, but the opportunities are there. 

Phantasmagoria: This one was accepted, also.

My artist self is being re-wired and I see how all the other things that now require my attention are perfectly placed.  They will allow me space, distance, time to let the buzzing subside.  I cannot stay in this place and function.  I need sleep, if nothing else!  

Since I haven’t a choice, I’ll just relax into the flow.  It is enough to trust that this latest shake up has made room for my new self to settle in.  I welcome this craziness and I welcome her.

Ancient Voices, Future Vision: This one, too!

Hope you guys are having as much fun as I am,

Judy

I love standing in this place, poised between the now and future parts of me.  I just completed a workshop with Sandra Duran Wilson and I am full of ideas and beyond eager to get at them.  However, life keeps happening and other deadlines must be met.  So I do them; but, all the while, my head and heart are busy tending to this creative itch inside.  And it’s feeling very itchy these days.  I need to create; it’s painful when I cannot.

Working on four paintings at once - crazy fun!

You know the feeling of a fresh new idea - that powerful rush of energy, the incessant tug to drop what you’re doing and follow it.  Lately I have been waking up at 3 or 4 in the morning, my head full of dream messages and images of paintings.  My future self is calling me, urging me to stay focused on what I most want to do with my life.  I am reassuring myself that it is, in fact,  happening now, even if I am not able to be in my studio.

The Gang: Rochelle, Mary, Anita, Mari, me, Sharon, Teacher Sandra, Nancy, Holly, Barbara, and Cindy.  Everyone was so nice, friendly, supportive.  A wonderful creative gathering. 

This moment is about maintaining balance - I must support myself and I must create.  I am aware that my life is in transition and, although I haven’t a clue as to how it will unfold, it feels inevitable that things will all fall into place.  I have come across this saying: “Things are always working out for me.”  I love it.  I believe it.  I claim it as my truth.  Believing, I am free to trust that this in-between moment I am learning to negotiate is exactly where I am meant to be. 

A painting from the workshop.

I’ve mentioned before that I am my happiest when I am creating.  Not just painting, it can be anything creative, but making art does hit that spot the best.  Maybe art is not for you.  Still, I encourage you to continue listening and following your inspiration.  It’s where happiness resides and isn’t that the bottom line? 

Bought on the last day of the workshop.

I wish you all happiness, 

Judy

P.S. I saw this on a coffee cup and just had to share: “My dentist said I need a crown.  I know, OBVS, right?”   (Crown...tiara...I'm not that fussy.)

Will I ever feel on top of things?  Two nights of interrupted sleep have left me wondering.  My recent life, portrayed as a sports commentary, would sound like this:  “She’s up!  She’s down!  She’s up again!”  

Truly, most days feel full of fun and adventure and accomplishment.  I goof myself up when I think about all the things I want and/or need to do.  Hence, the balance question.  How to reach a place where I can celebrate crossing items off my list without feeling despair at that list?  Everybody has a list, yet mine is taking on monster-like qualities and I feel overwhelmed.  

I was taught that working harder and faster would do the trick. You can figure out how well that’s been working (think hamster on a wheel in a cage). 

Remember childhood days when you could spend a whole afternoon lying on the warm grass and watching lady bugs, looking for magical creatures in the clouds?  I long to feel like that again- expanded, timeless, accepting that the most important thing in the world was what I was doing right now. 

The child in me despairs at the demands of being an adult.  I’m reaching for a balance between functioning in the real world and having fun while doing it.  The child in me wants to feel safe, nurtured; she wants to trust that everything will always work out great.

I can hear you; I’m being unrealistic.  Be honest, don’t you secretly want the same?  Think of a less stressful life, one with less work and more reward.  When I feel clear and centered, my life runs more smoothly with a lot less effort on my part.  I find more things to be grateful about and I notice many moments of synchronicity.  Challenges become a game, a game that I have control over, and I can see how everybody plays a part just for me.  Everything seems to make sense and is done easily.

My latest motto:  “Everything that happens to me, happens for me.”  Trusting this, I do not feel threatened by current events or by what others want or feel or think.  Remembering this, I can let everyone and everything be who or what they are and mind my own business.  This is when I am most genuine, most content, most allowing.  This is when I have the most to give.  It’s also when good things happen. 

Ok, so, I feel better.  Nothing’s really changed, but I have, so, “Yay, me!”  It’s good to remember that I’ve been here before - feeling overwhelmed and unmoored - and that I’ve always come out ok.  

Now is the time to keep it simple.  Breathe.  Do what needs to be done today.  Map out tomorrow.  Maybe choose the hardest or most important task on the list and do that one first.  Celebrate each victory.  Call a trusted friend to celebrate with you.  Ask your Angels or Guides for help.  Slow down and stay alert for that guidance.  

My sister Jean gave me a Staples “That Was Easy” button which I punch every time I complete a task (especially the icky ones).  Hearing that message makes me smile every time.  I repeat the words, mimicking the inflection, just for fun.  It makes me feel like a winner.  It makes me feel like looking at the next thing on my list.

Wishing you all balance,

Judy