I’m sitting at my desk watching rainbows flit across my walls and ceiling. A prism hangs in the living room window, open to the breeze. The prism was a gift to Mom from my sister Jean, so I feel close to them when this happens. I have begun to stop whatever I am doing and focus fully on the lazy twirling of this short-lived moment. Too soon, the sun shifts, the rainbows disappear, and life resumes.

My theme today is “focus”. The key, for me, is finding and maintaining a fluid, balanced, ebb-and-flow focus between meeting deadlines and watching rainbows. Like the frames of a film, our lives are constructed from a series of moments. By not being present in any one of them, it is lost, along with whatever rainbow blessing it might have held.

You might call me a speed addict. I have the flow part of focus down. Granted, my idea of flow can often be more like the force of a firehose. For the most part, the faster I move and the more I cross off my list, the better I feel about myself. Before, this just seemed the right way to live. I did accomplish a lot, but the high was elusive; it never seemed enough. It still feels rewarding to be busy like that, but I’d much rather slow down, enjoy what I am doing, and trust that everything always works out well for me.

The ebb part of this balance includes watching classic movies. “Now, Voyager” is one of my favorites. In it, Bette Davis plays a timid, mousy (imagine!) old maid who meets Claude Reins, psychologist extraordinaire. He knows that she must extricate herself from her disabling family and encourages her to go on a solo ocean voyage. Free from familial expectations, she transforms into the glam girl we know and love, meets the dashing Paul Henreid, aims her newly acquired self-confidence where it is most needed, and makes things happen.

I felt a connection to Bette’s role in this movie. It was time to get out of my comfortable creative zone and shake things up. “Now, Voyager” began its (and my) journey as a landscaped-oriented abstract with collaged paper.

The movie title is based on the 1941 novel “Now, Voyager” by Olive Higgins Prouty who borrowed from Walt Whitman’s poem “The Untold Want”. In entirety it reads:

“The untold want by life and land ne’er granted,
Now Voyager sail thou forth to seek and find”

Sounds exciting. Just like that, sail forth? As appealing as dropping everything and going forth sounds, it also feels a teensy bit scary. I prefer my freedom within structure; I like knowing that when I do return from all that sailing forth, this voyager will find her home and life, although altered by the journey, familiar and intact.

Focus: How do we get it and how do we keep it? At the time of the opening paragraph, I had been focused on paperwork and scheduling my day. It took a rainbow flitting across my face to get my attention. Focus, of course, is key to getting what we want. But to what degree must we? Sometimes my focus gets me lost in the details, the busy-ness, and I think I miss the stuff that makes my life worthwhile (like dancing rainbows or seeing friends or simply sitting quietly).

In a nutshell, what we focus on, gets bigger. It follows that by holding focus on what we want and following the steps that are revealed, we can get to where we want to be. We are all voyagers truly, always in transition and transformation, and our focus must shift as our needs do.

Changing focus (our theme for today): Here I pulled off some collage paper; reoriented the picture; added texture gels and pastes; and began layering color with fluid acrylics, crayons and pencils.

The formula for getting what you want is simple: Decide what that is and only think of that - not what anybody else thinks you should want or what you think you should want so others will approve. What is your hearts desire? What is your secret passion? What dreams did you dream when you were young before anyone started messing with you?

I’m telling you, magic happens when you begin pursuing your dream. Opportunities show up and stuck bits shift. Most of all, you feel really, really happy which paves the way for more good things to come. (Kinda like clearing out clutter to see what stands out).

That’s where I am now, receiving aid on many fronts - emails and personal feedback from those who love me, creative inspiration through dreams, meditations, conversations, reading materials, and inner nudges. All lead me onward, one thought at a time. I feel supported and encouraged and not alone. Because of all this, I do not mind not knowing where I’m headed. I’m just having fun and that’s a win.

Looking at options along the way. Turn it upside down, trim off the other part and it could be a volcano...

So…how do we get the right kind of focus? One aspect is scheduling time for the important stuff. And by “important,” I mean what feels big to no one else but you. Energy leaks such as procrastination, unresolved anger, guilt or regret, or doing for others when you’d rather be doing for you, can zap energy and block brain space. Ask: What’s important to me right now? And then schedule whatever time you can for that. We’re aiming for a sense of accomplishment so even 10 minutes can make a difference.

Showing support to my creative self is vital to me. Whenever possible, time for her comes first. Creativity defines me and making time for it brings satisfaction on a number of levels. Next, I fill time slots for other things important to me like studying French and keeping up on office work, as well as reading and exercise and rest. I schedule chores as well.

This way, I am free to play knowing that I will do all the adult stuff in its proper time. Another benefit to this type of scheduling is that I feel compelled, when a particular time slot comes up, to get going. And, I experience fewer evenings wondering what the heck did I do all day? That’s another win.

I whited out and painted over parts of this painting so many times I lost count. When it refused to look like anything else other than a melting ice cream cone, I put it away.

Always exploring, experimenting, expanding - me in a nut shell. I would venture to say it’s the same for you. Especially when we think nothing is happening, it is. When life feels stuck, most often the real action is occurring off stage. Time and again, seemingly random and sometimes haphazard events lead us to where we want to go. It’s a bit of a trick to back off and just let things unfold. I have experienced varying degrees of success with this. No matter what, I still can feel grateful for the clarity brought by slogging through a definitely not-so-fun time.

It can be very frustrating when life does not go as desired, but, like this painting, it can also provide extra satisfaction when we stop pushing and decide to see where it goes. Sooner or later, things coalesce and the end result can feel even more rewarding.

It took a shift in focus and a classic movie to show me the ship in this abstract painting. I, too, journeyed forth to discover this conclusion. “Now, Voyager” is now beautifully framed and ready to hang in a show starting this month.

As an aside, this letter to you was also a year in the making! Everything in its own time, right?

Bon Voyager, mes amis!

Judy

Again, I am pulled in a new direction.  My path has always been a loopy one with the zigs and zags not always making sense.  When I am centered, I appreciate this, acknowledging how right it is for me.  Like the “I Did It My Way” lyrics:  Whether I’m right or whether I’m wrong, I’ll do it my way.  I’m better at trusting what my way is, caring less about explaining it.  Still, I can be confused or disoriented, my Inner Critic wanting me to stay in line, to settle down, to blend.  When facing a choice, I can feel conflicted, but just until I remember, “Oh, yeah…I asked for this!”

I talk to myself a lot: “You wanted more from your life, Judy, so here it is.  This discomfort is the means.  You’re ok here.  Nothing is wrong, old stuff is simply shifting to make room for the new.  You’ll figure it out as you move forward, you always do.”  This can help if I let it.  So can getting outdoors, having fun with friends, and basically doing anything to distract myself in my worst not-trusting moments.  Bottom line, whether I worry about it or not, things always work out pretty well for me.  I believe this is true for everyone.

These two hair ornaments are for my sister Jean (top) and my sis-in-law Connie.  Niece Marti wanted us to make flowers for our hair to wear to her weddings using a piece of fabric from her gown and I made these with the Kanzashi method (kinda like origami with fabric).

I think we invite change every time we come to a conclusion about our lives.  I’m a big fan of change; it almost always brings better rewards than I could ever think to ask for.  My latest?  How would my life be if I embraced my full potential?  I want to be open to all of the opportunities around me.  I’ve determined I must create a vacuum for them and, to do that, I must drop all the “givens” - the ways I’ve defined myself, the labels that provide a sense of self-worth and a means of explanation.  Saying "This is who I am” protects me from close scrutiny.

What’s underneath that long-used safety shield?  A softy, an easy target, and a too-willing chameleon for those who cannot relate to my head-in-the-clouds-flit-from-this-to-that-Pollyanna-just-wanna-have-fun self.  In the midst of this, I still say, “Bring it on.”   

My sister Jean came for a short visit recently and, knowing how ready I was to make any kind of forward movement, suggested we repaint my living room accent wall.  I chose a lovely Periwinkle blue.  I.  Love. This.  Color.  It calms and inspires me.  It makes me want to immerse myself in something - anything! - creative.  It is in my creative/ studio area and I smile every time I walk in the door.     

This is the how’s-it-all-gonna-work-out? phase - the creative start phase where the game is to gather a lot of things to see what works.  I have a number of other photos of stuff that didn’t and will show those in another post along with the hair ornament I made for myself.  Here you see the first flower petals and the pattern for a little decorative “hat” called a fascinator.  There are hundreds of styles and it was a total blast making up my own as I went along.  Marti’s totem is a hummingbird and I thought I could use the charm somehow.

The old color?  The one I’d lived with for 15 years?  Orange.  On a basic color wheel, orange and blue are exact opposites.  Uh-huh.  You get where this is going.

Translated into action, this means that, in about 4 hours, my sister and I ripped through my comfort zone.  It was as if we couldn’t cover up the “old me” color fast enough.  We congratulated each other.  She left.  And two days later, I had a total meltdown.  Fascinated, I wondered:  “Who is this person, falling apart because she painted her wall a different color?”   “Man Up!” I said to myself.  Repeatedly.

Finally, these thoughts surfaced:  “Oh, yeah.  I’m good.  I’m still in control.  I was the one who wanted this. I wanted a new identity and this is all part of that process.  Okay.  What would make me feel better right now?”

In this stage, I have glued and sewn the satin cloth and binding to the fascinator base and have glued on the petals.  I tried a number of petal placements before deciding on this one.  The hummingbird charm stands ready.

“Help!”, I sobbed to Jean over the phone.  She reassured me this happens to everyone she helps in her re-design business.  She suggested replacing my red accents with blue ones.  She reminded me to reinforce my new color identity by painting my bedroom that dark yummy blue we both liked and by finding blue-toned bath towels.  (In order for you to get the full picture, you need to know that my space is small and that each room can be seen from the entry so visual harmony matters.)

Her understanding and advice helped.  Time with the “new me” wall color has helped.  Learning to be comfortable in the shifting of who I think I am has helped.  Meanwhile, by releasing my self-imposed demands associated with the label of ‘’Artist,” I’ve allowed other very fun creative endeavors to take front stage.  The photos you see are part of this work in progress.

So, here are the end results for Marti’s fascinator and her flower hair ornament for her Virginia wedding.  No hummingbird charm for the fascinator as this thing in person really says a lot!  Did I mention she’s putting this show on the road?  Smaller one is for Virginia and maybe Napa with the bling baby for Vegas.  Uh huh.  You’ll get to see the other design ideas in my next post.  Crazy fun to be sure.

Change brings change brings change.  In my saner moments, I welcome the unknown.  When I need to lighten up, I think of my favorite “Shakespeare In Love” movie quote: “But how will it all turn out?” Shakespeare asks.  The reply:  “I don’t know…it’s a mystery!”

Stay tuned…

Judy

P.S.  I’ll be out of the studio for the month of May.  Hey!  Check out my new paintings on the Website!

Recent adventures have brought rewards: insight, release, revision, and restart. I am rethinking who I want to be and how best to get there.  Which raises the question:  what or where exactly is “there”?  For sake of conversation, let’s assume that “there” is the place where we will feel better or be happier than where we are right now.  Big leap, side step, a hop and a skip…however near or far it feels, some of us spend a lot of our time with this search.

Bhudda: Ink drawing on rice paper and first wash.  The gray looking areas are of melted wax applied to resist color.  I will paint wax over any area I want to preserve before moving on to a new color.

As humans, we are busy doing human things, bumping up against people and events along the way.  We process our encounters unconsciously and bend and swerve reflexively around them.  For those seeking clarity, these encounters can offer greater insight or answers.  For example,  an increased understanding or compassion for others or for ourselves, a welcome change in direction, or a resolution to a question or a concern we’ve been fretting over.  If we are willing, we have constant opportunities to evolve - to relax, to choose happy, to allow, to let go, and to trust.

My favorite definition for today’s title reads:  “What you got when you didn’t get what you really wanted.”  That definition encapsulates my life at this point:  Not exactly what I had been hoping to receive but exactly what I had been asking for (from a deeper level).

I have wrinkled the paper and applied my “batik” color wash which is then covered with one final coat of melted wax.  (I had intended to show you more layered color passes but got so lost in the fun of the project that I forgot!) 

These moments remind me to pay attention.   I’ve discovered for myself that what I’ve been truly wanting often comes in disguised and maybe mildly unpleasant ways.  I’ve come to trust these camouflaged moments and my opening sentence encapsulates this.

Question:  Does it make sense to continue chasing “there” when where we are right this minute holds so much promise?  Do you find yourself spending a lot of energy in getting “there” instead of having more fun along the way?  Why is “there” more important than living fully now?  (Why do I feel the need to continue putting quotation marks around the word “there?”  Is that as annoying as the person who does it repeatedly using those little finger movements?)

Buddha:  I ironed off the batik layer of wax to reveal this end result.  I never know what I’ll end up with.  But, guaranteed, it will be a good experience - ha!

Basically, we are all works in progress.  I feel best doing these two things: 1) asking myself what it is I really want and 2)  taking steps in that direction.  Both can be challenging, especially when those steps follow a meandering path and my mind starts fretting about how others do things and what will they think of how I am.

It’s rewarding to release something (like a not so healthy habit or a closed-off mindset) that no longer works for me.  The resulting surge of energy is thrilling and the improved viewpoint, inspiring.  Of note is understanding that, in order to receive this energy, I sometimes must move through some not so fun stuff.  More often than not, I now am able to appreciate and even enjoy this, as I know how good I will soon feel because of it.

I love this piece, too…a stone temple in a bamboo garden.  (Hey, Monica - recognize this?!  Thanks, again!)

I will leave you with this:  “You cannot apply linear methods to a circular endeavor.  Creativity for some people may not be straight-lined, but it is methodical.”  Julia Cameron, author of “The Artist’s Way”.  For me this means to stop judging or analyzing and continue following my inner guidance.

How about you?

Judy